I have been putting off blogging, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. The scan showed growth in existing tumors and also showed new growth in my liver. I think the most upsetting part is that it has spread to a new organ. I remember when I discussed doing an alternative method with Bryan he expressed concern about it spreading while off chemo. I hadn't even really thought about it, spreading. Once again I wasn't even thinkin about that being a possibility but alas that's what happened. I was kind of expecting the existing growth, but not this.
I don't want to give up hope but it is so discouraging! Of course the Dr wanted me to do chemo and I told her no way that was happening today. We decided to just wait another month, do another scan and then discuss.
I am having a really hard time with this news. My son was just potty trained and it feels like he's really turning into a boy. When I think about what is happening in my life right now the only way I can think of to describe the pain is to say that it feels like my children are being taken from me. I so badly want to see him as a teenager or meet his grand kids but there is just such a slim chance of that happening. I want to see my little princess get married and even just go to prom and see her get so excited about the shoes and dresses! It feels like all of that is being stolen and it is the most painful worse feeling I can ever describe.
I also of course am terrified of how I will die. I can't be on chemo until I die but also know how sick I will eventually get while off it.
I wanted to explain to my daughter why I've been crying all afternoon. I told her that I was told by the dr that my new medicine isnt working yet and it makes me very sad. She turned to me, smiled and said well then it will work eventually just wait longer and hopped off my lap. Lets just hope it's that simple.
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