I need a filter change

So I had this realization last night that I need a filter change.  What am I talking about?  Well, I realized that I have a filter that every thought goes through and it gets put into two categories, chemo or cancer.  I am going to try to explain this the best I can.  Anything and everything I talk about, think about, relates back to these two things for me.  I never really thought about it before, until I realized that I couldn't really help myself. 

Here's an example of the cancer thoughts:  Bryan and I had our 8 year anniversary yesterday.  We had an amazing lunch out at the Boat House Restaurant and sat by the water in the sun and it was just absolutely amazing.  Couldn't have been more perfect.  Then I say, "we should do this every year!"  And immediately I catch myself and think, will I be here next year?  Or the year after that?  Now I'm sad, I've ruined this moment that I was in because I wanted to think about the future and that makes me sad because it is so unknown. 

Anytime someone references anything in the distant future it gives me a lump in my throat.  Will I be here?  How old will the kids be?  Will they remember me?

Now here's an example of the chemo thoughts:  I can't get away from planning my life around chemo.  Anything and everything anyone asks me to do or attend revolves around, will I feel good enough?  Do I have chemo that week?  Can I attend my daughters open house?  Can I attend my son's music performance?  Can I go to that Cinderella Play that I booked 3 months ago with friends, will I feel good enough?  Do I want go to lunch next week with friends? Yes, but can I?

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, this is just my life.

Photo from Yesterday, 8 years!